Previously on United States of Tara...
I just woke up... again...
next to that woman from the grocery store
Pammy's got just what you need.
Uh... I can't do this.
It's always the disease's fault, isn't it?
Never someone just being an asshole!
Marshall and Courtney... game on.
Marshall says he's straight now?
How is your beard, anyway? You guys boning?
How am I doing?
Lynda P. Frazier.
Your check bounced. You owe me money.
Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
Damn, girl.
We should know our neighbors a little better, right?
- Ted Mayo. This is my partner, Hany. - Hi.
The Hubbard house is officially ours!
Escrow just closed.
You need a real carpenter.
How much money did you give him for materials?
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
You know what? I think you have been sully-rigged.
Give me back my money.
Buck, I love you.
I love you.
All I've ever done is be good to you.
That's all I've ever done... just be good to you.
Open up the sky.
This mess is getting high.
It's windy, and our family needs a ride.
I know we'll be just fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be just fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
The ants are back in the kitchen.
What happened to your neck?
A door-to-door werewolf.
Give me that crowbar.
What the fuck happened last night? Huh?
Who was that?
I don't know. I...
Oh, you know.
Her name is Pammy.
I saw that look on her face.
She's in love with you.
It's nothing.
It's... it's Buck. It's not me.
That is not enough.
You know Buck.
You've known Buck forever, the stuff that he...
No, it's you!
You were better.
You fucking told me you were better... for months!
You said you weren't transitioning.
I didn't know!
You fucking knew!
I guess...
I guess a part of me...
Yeah. That's why I'm mad.
'Cause you lied to me... not Buck, not fucking Alice.
You fucking lied to me!
So...
What do we do?
We don't do anything.
You fucking get help. Find a therapist.
Okay. I will.
Yeah.
You will.
Give me that.
Why?
'Cause I told you to.
No. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Not... not in here. Not in this house.
Hey, Kate.
Tara.
No more "mom," huh? Now I'm just "Tara"?
I don't know why you'd be upset, Tara.
I've called you many names over our time together.
Okay. Stupid ant!
I'm sure what happened last night was confusing...
Not to me. I'm used to it.
Is there a name you'd rather be called, Tara, than "Tara"?
That's fun, Kate. Good stuff.
Morning.
I'm off to work.
Someone around here needs to be a responsible adult.
Also, you have grass all over your back.
So, I found this killer wedding dress by badgley mischka,
but it's really expensive.
But it's awesome!
But I need my chocolate fountain.
I'm not getting married without my chocolate fountain.
And I don't care what Nick's family says...
We are dancing down the aisle,
and we are all wearing sunglasses.
Well, that sounds like every little girl's dream.
So...
Last night?
Huh?
You and Max work it out?
Charmy, I really don't want to talk about it.
Oh, you know what I realized this morning?
My bedroom window overlooks the Hubbards' backyard.
That's quite a view.
A good therapist in Overland Park? Please.
I can't even find a good latte.
That one place...
That café attached to the Christmas store?
With that little queen behind the counter?
Spiritual pride in a barista? I won't brook it! I won't!
He won't brook it.
So, what's the problem?
Let's just say
I've been seriously without help for a while,
and I've... I've... I've been okay,
but I think I actually need help again.
Just got some stuff going on with me.
Or... Max.
With me and Max.
Well, you're not gonna find anybody around here.
Ugh!
Hany and I went through a rocky period
a few years back...
Erectile dysfunction.
Let's just say it... it was me.
It was him.
We went to quack after quack after quack.
It was a duck pond.
So, uh, shrinkwise, I'm fucked?
You may be.
But in the meantime...
Take this for a spin.
Written by my old therapist.
Oh, the much-lauded Shoshana Schoenbaum, huh?
It's simple stuff, but she's very down-to-earth.
Till you find the right doctor.
Yeah, I'll give it a look.
Just don't crack the spine.
He hates that.
I hate that.
Hey, buddy.
Just in time for a little Billy Jack action.
"When I see this child."
"Who is so special to us."
I kind of have to get to school.
"We call him God's little ray of sunshine,"
"so demeaned by this idiotic moment of yours..."
"I just go berserk!"
Oh, I fucked my back.
I thought Billy Jack was about nonviolence.
I don't know.
So...
I guess Buck's out.
Yeah, Buck's out.
You and mom okay?
Yeah. We're dealing with it.
I thought you were working with that guy.
Sully? No, not anymore.
Motherfucker tried to rip me off.
So... You just... Let the guy take our money?
No, I took care of it.
How?
I kind of kicked the shit out of him.
Does, um...
Does mom know?
No.
Let's keep it that way, okay, bro?
I was just out of art school
and realized that the crap I was making wasn't selling.
Mm-hmm.
Little less talking, little more painting.
- So I started making princess paintings. - Oh, God.
My arm's fucking killing me!
Quit complaining.
I mean, at first, I hated myself.
Starting to hate you!
But then I realized, you know,
at least my paintings were selling.
And every now and then, I could afford a whopper... with cheese.
Sword!
So, what are her superpowers?
Does she burn things with her eyes?
Does she hear good?
Does she fly?
Oh, yeah. She flies.
What about sex?
Do I use my body like a weapon,
like Poison Ivy on Batman?
I mean, I'm pretty fuckable.
No. The princess don't fuck.
Because she won't?
Because she can't.
Got it.
Like Barbie... no holes.
Hey, Max, I was just...
I figure we could do it there.
Sure. Yeah. Makes sense.
I-I mean, we could...
No, it... this seems right.
Classic.
Yeah, it's, uh...
It's what you'd expect, you know?
A bed.
What'd you tell Ms. Watkins to get out of school?
I told her I had an ortho.
You?
I went with explosive diarrhea.
That's a lot of condoms.
Where did you get all that?
Planned parenthood.
My mom's nightstand.
My cousin Graham.
So, any of these calling your name?
Um, that one.
No, I...
No.
Yeah, sure. That... that's fine.
Yeah?
Yeah.
The... the... um, the other way.
I think it's supposed to be hard.
I bet if you wanted to,
you could make some pretty good coin off this thing
and pay off your debt.
You know... mugs and t-shirts and key chains.
Sure.
And hats and stickers.
And you could put out a magazine
with pictures and a centerfold.
Oh, no. Not a centerfold.
She's a subject, not an object.
Mm-hmm.
But you know what? You're right.
I mean, who the fuck is gonna see the painting?
Let's make a movie.
"From birth,"
"each of us sets out to discover who we really are."
"But when trauma occurs, we create ways to survive."
"Often, we split into pieces"
"and abandon the most vulnerable parts of ourselves,"
"boxing them up in tidy packages and tossing them away."
"Later, we spend our lives looking for these parcels,"
"hoping to meet someone who can help us"
"find these lost splintered pieces of ourself."
Charmaine, dear, shut that door this instant!
All that rain will Buckle the hardwood!
Tara, what in the name of all that is Holy
have you done with your poncho?
I don't know, Mimi.
Don't play games with me.
That thing you did...
That was you c-coming, right?
Uh... Yeah.
Big-time.
Did you?
Yeah. Totally.
A lot.
So many times.
So...
I don't know if you're, like, all worn out...
But I could go again.
Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, if... if you want to.
You're not in any... Pain or anything, are you?
I don't think so.
We could go back to school.
I do have a chemistry test.
What?
I got help.
I found somebody.
Okay.
Remember that woman that Ted was telling us about...
His therapist in New York?
Well, when I was there this morning, he gave me one of her books.
I've been reading it all day. It's so good.
And it says that people... all people...
have ways of being not integrated,
and that... and that we jettison parts of ourselves
into these parcels.
Come on. Speak English.
It's a book. A book is not help.
We need a new doctor.
Well, I got in touch with her.
Did you call her?
Yeah, I called her. She's Ted's old therapist.
Max, she's fucking brilliant. She has a mind like...
She loves my story.
She's in New York.
Well, she's happy to start with phone therapy.
We might Skype.
Skype?
And she can travel. She's, like, this famous author.
I don't trust these... Small-town locals.
I'm too...
What?
What are you?
It's Kate.
Yep.
You got to be kidding me.
W-what's wrong with the car?
Oka... no, no, no, no.
Don't start it again. You flooded it.
Where are you? We'll come get you.
Where?
Wow. This is colorful.
Smells like pee.
Kate!
We're here! Let's go!
Bye! Bye-bye, Kate.
Goodbye, goodbye!
Oh. Hi.
What are you wearing?
It's my Princess Valhalla costume.
You're not walking around like that. Come here.
Ugh. That fucking car.
Stupid piece of American shit.
Yeah, that's who's at fault here... Detroit.
Ugh.
That sign was the only thing left
when I found this place.
They made copper plating, doorknobs, drawer pulls.
How long have you lived here?
About a year.
But you don't want to know that.
I don't?
I've noticed that when people walk into a new place,
they get nervous,
so they start asking questions about numbers.
What do you really want to know?
Hey.
You, uh, you ready to go?
Yeah.
I'm gonna give this to you.
It's Kate's.
Look, we're not talking about it anymore. End of discussion.
You can't ground me. I was there for my job.
I've had it up to here with you guys.
Who's the parent around here, anyway?
No one.
Jesus God, girl.
Could you cut me some fucking slack for once?
Maybe I'll move out.
Maybe I'll move in with Lynda.
How come you never told us she was black?
What does that have to do with anything?
Wake up, Fox News.
There's a new sheriff in town. His name is Barack Obama.
I think it's a cool thing.
Oh, great. Now it's cool that she's black.
That's even worse.
Okay, here's the deal...
You're done with the car. You're done with going downtown.
You're done with that woman... having nothing to do with her being black.
What do you guys even do together?
Bottom line... you're grounded until we say otherwise.
You know what, dad... if you are so desperate to ground somebody,
you should be grounding mom!
She's the one that has been pretending to be somebody else
with that crazy lady from the ice-skating rink, doing God knows what!
Coming from the girl in the winged hat
and the princess costume.
Stop! Okay?
Look, Kate, your mom's getting help.
We found an expert in New York who's gonna help her.
New York?
Yeah. They don't know what they're doing around here.
Come on. Let's just give the new doc a chance, all right?
Hey, kids!
So...
We've got some big news.
We're pregnant!
What the fuck, Nick?
I'm sorry.
You fucking ruined it!
Okay. You go.
No. What am I supposed to say now?
I... it's gone. The moment's gone.
Hey, guys...
Congratulations, Charmaine.
Thank you.
If that baby knows what's good for it,
it'll tie the umbilical cord around its neck and take a leap.
What the hell, Kate?
Anyway...
Uh, Max, I want to talk to you sometime
maybe about... Maybe buying this place.
For me and Charmaine and... Our baby.
We're so excited to have our own little family,
but Charmaine said she can't imagine doing it
anywhere but here... right next door to you guys.
Aw.
Hey! Ahhh...
All right. Great, great. Good. Goddamn.
I guess I'm a little confused
about why you're living with us.
I mean, aren't you supposed to be "re-virginating"?
Well, it must have happened before I moved out of Nick's.
I love the light in here!
This is gonna be the baby's room.
Okay, obviously, this junk has to go...
Oh, my God!
I know... a porch swing!
So then Nick and I can rock the baby together.
Hey, Char?
Yeah?
You're gonna be a great mother.
Hey, dad, where's mom?
Oh, she's next door, but don't bother her.
She's got a phone session with her new therapist.
She found somebody we're kind of excited about.
Cool.
Yeah.
Hey, I know, uh, I've been kind of busy
and a little preoccupied,
but how's things going with you and Courtney?
You know, uh...
We're...
It's...
I'm not prying, okay? It's none of my business.
I'm gonna run down to grandstand and grab some burgers.
You want anything?
I'm gay.
Good.
So, you want anything?
Yeah, um...
Maybe I'll just come with you to grandstand.
Cool.
I think you should tell mom about that guy you beat up.
How was your session?
Really, um... Intense.
Yeah?
Marshall came out to me tonight.
Officially?
Oh, Marshmallow.
How'd you take I?
I don't know.
I-I guess it gave me... Some hope.
I'm just glad you found someone.
Me too.
Tara?
Yeah?
I did a bad thing.
Tara?
Excuse me? Do you mind? I'm finishing up a session.
Hold on, Dolores.
Can I help you?
It must be something psychological.